If you're one of the roughly 147 gajillion people who are planning a Disney vacation this year, I'm here to tell you that a trip to Florida is not for the faint of heart.
Sure, everyone wants a fairy tale vacation. But following the guidebooks' advice on what to do at the theme parks will only lead to an unhappy ending.
Take it from a seasoned Orlando veteran. Don't try to do it all unless there's room on your itinerary for a guilt trip. Learn from my mistakes and settle for a more realistic vacation by following my list of Disney Don'ts:
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Don't allow your child with impulse control issues to get too close to a costumed character, because once she gets ahold of his nose, there's no letting go. When the handler barks that these costumes are very expensive, don't be tempted to reply, "That's not very Disney of you. I'm not feeling the magic." Simply remove your child as best you can because the cost of a new Goofy suit is probably not in your vacation budget.
When stopping at the French bakery in Epcot in the middle of the afternoon to buy croissants for your cranky kids, don't be shy about having a glass of Chardonnay. The rest of the day will go much smoother for everyone.
When chatting with the characters, don't let slip that your son has a crush on Daisy Duck. While this may be obvious from the expression on his face when he gets her autograph, he'll retaliate by refusing to pose for another picture, no matter how long you've waited in line.
If you take a Disney cruise, don't panic during the pre-cruise safety drill when you're ushered into a theater with some other unlucky passengers instead of being assigned a lifeboat on deck with everyone else. When staring at the blank movie screen while wearing your life vest, don't hold your breath waiting for a crew member to give safety instructions. Like how to tread water. Instead, look on the bright side. If the ship does go down, at least you'll have entertainment. And if you're lucky, they won't be showing "Titanic.''
After riding the Pirates of the Caribbean first thing in the morning, don't feel like a pushover when you head off your son's tantrum by promising that you'll return to the gift shop before you leave the park. But don't be surprised when he responds that he wants to leave the park right now. And don't pay attention when he repeats this request every five minutes for the rest of the day. When you finally return to the gift shop, don't grumble when he picks out a sword you could buy for three bucks at Toys R Us. Do take the time, however, before purchasing the sword to make sure it will fit in his suitcase. Getting through airport security will be much easier.
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Try to follow your teenage daughter's advice when she wakes you in the middle of the night and says, "Don't freak out." This will prove particularly difficult when the next thing she says is that some men have just brought your other two children back to the hotel room. Of course, if you don't forget to throw the safety latch on the room door before going to bed, none of this will ever happen. An important detail when your youngest sleepwalks, your middle child is apt to go into the hall to retrieve him and neither realizes that the door will automatically lock behind them.
Don't be surprised when other guests, seeing your children crying and banging on the door in their pajamas, call security to report neglected children. And don't be offended when hotel security shines flashlights in your face, demanding answers. After explaining that exhaustion, room layout and rumbling air conditioning unit prevented you from hearing anything, do be grateful when Disney's security drops the matter. But when they smile and say this kind of thing happens all the time, don't believe it — unless you also believe Tinker Bell's pixie dust can make you fly.
Despite returning home completely burned out, don't be surprised when you begin to plan your next Disney vacation. Just don't forget to pack comfortable shoes, sunscreen, padlock, tranquilizer gun and a sense of humor.
Betsy Bitner is author of the blog lostintheadirondacks.com and a mystery writer. She divides her time between Clifton Park and the Adirondacks. Her email address is bbitner1@nycap.rr.com.