The Defense of Marriage Act will not be settled until it is approached from a position that separates church and state.
To the church, marriage is a sacrament; homosexuality is a sin. For the gay community, the issue is acceptance and equality under the law.
If under statute, the union of any two individuals meeting the requirements of a legal union would constitute a civil union with equal rights and acceptance for all, then church marriages could continue with whatever traditional formality that is desired. All unions would have the same legal license, and all would be subject to the same laws and tax benefits.
The church issues a marriage certificate; the state issues a civil union license.
Gene Whitney Niskayuna