A lot of people will say it's cheap and easy to make fun of the Sochi Olympics, an atrociously planned and executed project undertaken by a one-party, kleptocratic government led by the sort of narcissistic strongman that the international community had hoped Russia had left behind at the dawn of perestroika.
Those people are dead wrong: It took me several hours to put together this quiz making fun of the Sochi games, and while I would encourage this newspaper to pay me more money, my labor doesn't come cheap.
1. Can you spot the actual quote from Dmitry Kozak, the Russian deputy prime minister who groused to reporters that Westerners are trying to make Sochi's lodgings look worse than they are?
A. "Our agents have searched the rooms of many guests, and they appear very comfortable to us."
B. "We have intercepted cell phone conversations in which you people beg your editors to bring you home; we know you scoff at our low-thread-count bedsheets."
C. "We have surveillance video from the hotels that shows people turn on the shower, direct the nozzle at the wall and then leave the room for the whole day."
D. "We are monitoring your Sunday columnists for their so-called satiric quizzes — we find them unfunny."
2. According to Stacy St. Clair of the Chicago Tribune, what did her hotel's front desk recommend in the event the water came back on?
A. "Whatever you do, better do it quickly."
B. "Please limit showers to 10 minutes to save on videotape."
C. "Do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous."
D. "Do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous — but go ahead and use it on the rest of your body."
3. Which of the following was not offered as an explanation for the side-by-side "tandem toilets" found at the Olympic Biathalon Center?
A. It was an honest mistake by a harried subcontractor.
B. The bathroom in question was being converted into a storeroom.
C. The toilets were for disabled athletes competing in the Paralympic Games — though what sort of disability would require a tandem toilet is something we'd rather not speculate on.
4. Why did superstar Shaun White drop out of the slopestyle snowboarding event?
A. He decided the course was too dangerous — and this is Shaun White we're talking about.
B. Temporarily blind after ill-advised shower back at the hotel.
C. Temporarily blind after spiritually traumatic visit to tandem toilets at Biathalon Center.
5. How did local officials deal with Sochi's stray dog population?
A. Announced that all Olympic medalists will receive a dog to take home "as a souvenir."
B. Hired a local company to catch and kill them.
C. Hired a local company to give the dogs a face-inclusive shower in hotels with toxic water problems.
D. Hired an agent to pitch the dogs' story to Disney for a movie featuring George Clooney as the voice of Yuri, the leader of the strays.
6. What did ABC correspondent Matt Gutman find in an individual-serving honey container at his hotel?
A. A Bazooka Joe comic strip
B. A very small stray dog
C. Not sure, but it's — well, it's definitely not honey
D. A bee
7. (Bonus round) What did Toronto Mayor Rob Ford do on Friday as the opening ceremonies were taking place?
A. Called a news conference to announce that for every medal won by Canadian athletes, he'll promise not to embarrass his constituents for an entire day.
B. Said in an interview that Russia's anti-gay laws bring shame to the Olympics, which "should be about honoring the best in people, no matter what our differences."
C. Demanded the removal of a rainbow flag from City Hall because "it's not about someone's sexual preference."
D. Told schoolchildren on a field trip that pictures of toxic hotel water look especially vivid when you're high on crack.
Answers: 1. C; 2. C; 3. A; 4. A; 5. B; 6. D; 7. C.
cseiler@timesunion.com • 518-454-5619