Bear Grylls, the British adventurer who's best known as host of the former Discovery Channel show "Man vs. Wild," is one tough guy.
I can tell this without ever having watched the show. Forget the fact his first name is Bear. This guy is so macho, the only vowel he needs in his last name is "y."
He's turned his ability to survive difficult situations into his livelihood and he pushes everyone around him to test their ability to survive, too. Just ask his three sons named — and I'm not making this up — Jesse, Marmaduke and Huckleberry. I'm guessing their first survival lesson came on the playground. Sure, kids can be cruel, but, apparently, parents can be crueler.
Bear has recently returned to network TV with a new show on NBC. Called "Get Out Alive," it involves 10 pairs of seemingly rational adults who must face challenging physical obstacles while having to find food, shelter and fire. In the first episode, Bear made them eat fish eyes the size of marbles and drink muddy water mixed with urine. I'm not exactly kicking myself for having missed the casting call.
I have to wonder whether any of the contestants knew who Bear was before signing up. According to Wikipedia, the ultimate information resource for the lazy researcher, Bear Grylls is known for "drinking urine saved in a rattlesnake skin, drinking fecal liquid from elephant dung, eating deer droppings, wrestling alligators, field dressing a camel carcass and drinking water from it, ... utilizing the corpse of a sheep as a sleeping bag and flotation device ... and using a bird guano/water enema for hydration."
So animals have plenty of reason to fear him, but, you've got to admit, he sounds like a good time at a party.
Throughout the show, Bear gives survival tips that are sponsored by Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, they turn out just to be advice on stuff like campfire safety. Hey Wal-Mart, how about giving me a survival tip I can really use, like how to check out of one of your stores on a busy Saturday when only three of your 172 cashier lanes are open.
Each episode has a survival challenge where the winning team gets to go to a feast pit, which, hopefully, is excrement-free. At the end of the show, however, all the contestants must face Bear as he decides which team he will eliminate. Given Bear's track record of what he's willing to eat, I hope "eliminate" means the losing team goes home.
If you, unlike me, are sorry you missed the chance to participate in the program, I have some good news. Bear has just announced he will be opening a Survival Academy in the Catskill Mountains.
The site was chosen because of its wild, undulating landscape and wide variety of flora and fauna. I wonder if the academy's organizers are aware that The Catskill Game Farm is no longer in business?
According to his website, whose tagline is — and I wish I were making this up — "It may hurt a little," the academy will offer people "the chance to learn extreme survival techniques."
The academy will also feature "Bear's Famous Gross Eat Challenge." If there's one thing I love, it's a food challenge. But, considering it's Bear we're talking about here, I'm sure "gross" refers to the quality of the food, not the quantity. Don't worry about letting this opportunity pass you by, even if you're not willing or able to go to the academy. Gift certificates are available. The perfect gift for the hard-to-buy-for person that you just can't stand.
Betsy Bitner is author of the blog lostintheadirondacks.com and a mystery writer. Her email address is bbitner1@nycap.rr.com.