No one gives us a road map for how to deal with an event such as the massacre in Connecticut that left 27 people dead, almost all of them children.
We've seen horrid acts of violence occur in other communities, but we never expect it to happen in our own communities. Everyone is left to figure out how to come to terms with the unthinkable.
Individuals, municipalities and houses of worship wrestle with how to best cope, while, at the same time, caring for loved ones, friends and neighbors.
I have had the privilege of helping brave families, emergency service personnel and public and private institutions cope with massive loss and devastation. These experiences have taught me much about how best to help others deal with unbearable loss and pain. Let me share some of the reactions people may be experiencing in the aftermath of this shocking loss:
An initial period of shock and numbness, which is nature's way of helping you cope, both during and directly after the trauma. As the numbness fades, you'll face a roller coaster of emotions, especially intense sadness and anger. This is normal.
As time passes, you'll move back and forth among the other stages of grief, including denial, depression and ultimately, some level of acceptance. Although it doesn't feel like it, grieving is actually a necessary healing process. You may also experience the loss of both appetite and sleep, poor concentration, irritability and feelings of hopelessness. These also are normal responses and should clear up in time.
If you were on the scene during such horrific events, you may additionally experience flashbacks, nightmares or what's known as "hypervigilance" — constantly being on alert for another disaster to occur.
If you didn't suffer a direct loss, but still find yourself grieving or devastated, this is also normal. The massacre in Newtown represents the loss of a certain innocence we've taken for granted in our communities. You also are likely feeling, vicariously, the pain of others who have lost children and other loved ones.
Fortunately, there are steps you can take to begin the difficult, seemingly impossible, healing process.
Be patient and allow yourself and your loved ones to experience the range of emotions discussed above.
Spend time with friends and family. Although the tendency to isolate is strong in the aftermath of such a traumatic event, resist that impulse. You need to gather with loved ones and, together, process the depth of your pain.
Avail yourself of any assistance and support offered by your community or place of worship. By doing so, you may learn of some additional resources and tools to get you through this difficult time.
Try to stay on a regular eating and sleeping schedule. If this remains difficult, seek medical help.
If you have children, be open to answering their questions in an age-appropriate way, but don't force them to talk about their feelings until they're ready.
For younger kids, limit their access to news and social media about the tragedy, as it will only flood their already-raw emotions. For older children, encourage them to communicate with friends in a healthy way, offering one another mutual support. Most importantly, try to keep your composure and model healthy coping strategies. If they see that you're OK, they'll more readily get back to normal.
No one can explain why this senseless disaster had to occur. Having a belief in a higher power, however, to which you can turn during the heartbreaking days ahead will likely afford you some calm amid the storm.
Maud Purcell is a psychotherapist and director of the Life Solution Center in Darien, Conn. Her email address is mpurcell@thelifesolutioncenter.net.